Back to work it's a killer...

The saying I believe is 'All good things come to an end'. As with most mothers maternity leave is a thing I look back on fondly but from a distance. The time came for me to finally give in and stop taking holidays and go back to work. Today was a notable day in the diary, I'd been back to work long enough to have to change my password. This signifies I've been back a month. It feels like longer it's crazy how easy it is to feel like you never left, but still uneasy in a world of not knowing what's going on around you. It feels a bit like swimming in a sea of jelly beans I keep sinking to the bottom and they keep piling up on top of me. Good job I like jelly beans. I can eat my way to the surface.

What makes it even harder at times is that I chose to go back full time, with a bit of a compression. The decision was a very hard one but one I took at the time. The positive side to this is that I do feel like a person again and when I'm at work I even appear to have a brain, don't get me wrong I love being a mum but you do lose your faculties, especially in the beginning with all that sleep deprivation. The down side of the coin is that I hand my little girl over to other people and they have fun with her all day. Saying it like that makes it slightly easier and worse all at the same time.

The other issue you have as a working mum, is that you see all the other mum's that are spending time with their little ones, social networks have a lot to answer for, the jealousy is so great it sometimes overwhelms you. Then you feel guilty again for being a bad person. However, a wise lady told me, 'Never measure yourself by someone else and what they, have or do as we all have different needs and reasons for doing things and everyone feels guilty for something especially when they have a little one'. That really helped. NOT. Trying to be Zen like on this topic is near impossible.

So on I plod, happy that I have work in these difficult times but just slightly unhappy it is a little too much and even slightly unhappier that it is at price of not being with my daughter. She grows and changes every day, she is of course such a joy. Again I look to the future, now where is that Crystal Ball. Ah yes of course the Toy Box.

One Today!

The big day has finally arrived, my little girl is ONE today. Not the day we planned but a nice day never the less. We had planned to go to the Blue Planet Aquarium, but the best laid plans an all that.

This morning we woke up to find Isabella with more spots than a spotty dog. She was covered in them. The usual menigitus panic ensued, with the no ok we think it's not that. Could it be measles, eek! Call the doctor and get her in to find out what she does have.

We had breakfast and even shook a few maracas this morning, Issy's first present of the day. After breakfast we flew to the doctors to be told she has a virus and to give her rest. On her first birthday the poor little girl. Glad we had a weekend of birthday so this day wasn't so bad.

All in all we've had a lovely day with Isabella and she has enjoyed it I hope. She is a little under the weather but she doesn't stop smiling she is just wonderful. This time last year I was wondering what the heck do we do with her. Now I am wondering what the heck we did without her. It's all good and my little girl is the best thing on the planet. Fact! (Catch phrase of a good friend sure she won't mind me stealing it in this situation.)

So, here is a little dance Isabella prepared earlier, enjoy!

Blink of an eye

I first started out on this blog not really that long ago I was too tired in the early days to think or sometimes even speak, never mind write. The intention was to help other mothers of a more mature outlook get an inkling into motherhood. Then I suppose a year is a good time to assess how it has all gone.

As I stand here today, well sit really, I have to say it has been some of the best and most traumatic times of my life. A roller coaster isn't really on par with what a parent goes through on a daily basis in the first year of a childs life. You have to have fingernails the length of your forearm to hang on sometimes. All that being said, I would do it all again for Isabella to be here with us now and there have definitely been many more ups than downs.

Ups that come to mind. That first smile has got to be one of my favourite ones and a proper smile at that where they really engage you with their eyes this is the beginning of them really having character. The first crawl or bottom shuffle that was pretty amazing as you start to think eek they'll be walking soon. Then you only realise that everything seems to take an age after they first start something for them to really get the hang of it. Then the giggles, this really is a magical sound. When they are tickled or find something funny how can you not laugh and giggle along with them. Isabella is a real giggler especially when Daddy tips her upside down, Mummy of course has palpitations.

So much good stuff which enriches your life more than you can ever imagine. Then there is the other stuff. The sleepless nights. The strange nappies that seem to go bump in the night. The not eating. The eating but throwing it everywhere. The eating but only having a tiny bit and then wanting a tiny bit of all sorts of other things. The not sure what baby should be eating and when.

Then there's the mind field of baby proofing. Where to begin. Once they can move around that's when the fun starts. Cupboards, drawers, stairs, toilets, doors, bins, well anything really that little fingers can find. Things you never thought could be so interesting suddenly hit top of the interesting charts. Isabella's firm favourite the computer on off button. Distraction is one technique. Cardboard blockers for us was the only answer.

So just over a week away until my wonderful little girls first birthday and she has changed so much from that wee little bundle of joy. We have had the first steps in the last week on her own. she even managed them when her grandparents were here, how fabulous is that. We don't get to see them that often and she produced such magic for them. Then we've had the I am now going to start taking everything off the shelves and try to put it back on, of course not quite in the same way. Her sorting is definitely coming on a treat.

She is such a proper little person now no longer that little baby I first held in my arms. How time flies, it seems to have rushed past in the blink of an eye. Lets hope the next instalment takes a few more blinks as I don't want to miss a thing.

It's all Swings and Round a bouts or is it?

It's funny how you take for granted some of the things you think, say or even remember. I say this because only recently I was actually wrong in the way I was thinking. I was putting a lot of emphasis on the negatives and not focusing on the positives in life. It's hard when you're always tired I suppose but it's not nice for the person you're with. So Saturday I got snapped out of it very abruptly.

When someone tells you something and it makes an impact you know you've got to change. So from now on every time I think, say or even remember something it has to be in a positive way. I know as much as anyone else how important it is to be positive, but you slip into these bad habits. So, like a chocoholic fiend over the Easter weekend whose eaten themself silly, I'm going cold Turkey. Can't do without the chocolate so it's got to be gone with the negative thoughts. Lets see how I do.

The other thing I thought I knew but also didn't remember correctly is the word for the thing that goes round in the park. As we have little ones we've now started taking them to the playground. Upon a friend of mine saying something about Roundabouts not being Roundabouts, that they were actually called something else. For days we pondered what it could be. Is it so hard to remember anything these days. I lost my bank card for the second time in 2 weeks yesterday and thank goodness found it again today. So, still not functioning up to speed yet. Will I ever?

Anyway back to the Roundabout story. Of course I'd been doing the Internet Google thing but for some reason I wasn't getting the answer I was looking for. My friend was adamant it wasn't a Roundabout. So, there I was lay in bed and of course it popped into my head what it was called. I texted my friend immediately this sort of thing can drive you batty you know. Doh, of course. The answer was simple, but I have to say, I had to say it to myself a couple of times in my head before I was convinced it was right, it just seems such a strange word.

Anyway, I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about but Zebbedde might disagree. If you don't I'll add it to the title of my next blog. So see you then.

Bidding on Ebay

As my little ones birthday approaches I have been trying to be thrifty in the ways I am obtaining some of her birthday presents. In part this is due to me taking longer off work than we previously had planned, so the belt is not only being tightened in our house, it's well and truly being squeezed.

Isabella is now venturing into the world of nearly walking. Yes it won't be long, she is standing straight up and sitting back down quite at will. Careering around the living room with her Vtech walker and banging into me, the couch, the wall, pretty much everything and protesting if she is not walked around constantly. Very tiring for the back you know.

So, I have decided she needs things to get her mobile and moving, mainly to keep her busy and me sane. Not a sit in walker as that seems a bit late and in her case dangerous. Obviously the park is free but it's not in my back garden. By the way she still thinks grass is evil stuff put upon this planet just to upset her. I do hope she grows out of it. I have yet to try her on sand, I can't imagine what  a kerfuffle we'll have then. I blame Steve my partner. Brought up by the beach he hates sand and sea, prefering to be indoors. His parents said he never liked the grass or sand when he was little. How can this be? Oh Lordy!

This has led me to the world of E-bay, what an intruiging yet dark and desolate place. I started watching things, I have now stopped watching things, I started bidding on things, I kept bidding on things. I can definately say if I keep this up I may need help, but phew I have recognised I have a problem already. Thank goodness for self will and discipline of ones own mind. Just a minute I've just got to check on the slide i'm bidding on. Aaaah see isn't she pretty.

A Special Day

Only one month to go and I have been thinking about my little ones big day, Isabella will be a big round fat one! Well her age will she is more of a slight petite thing really. Of course we are buying her presents and having a cake, we weren't sure quite how to celebrate this day or what the done thing is. Well we've decided to invite a few relatives but that's all. Issy won't mind she won't even know and I'm all for low key. It is going to be stressful enough in the future when she wants pony rides and bouncy castles and well you think of it and I'm sure she'll want it, whether she gets it that's of course another story. So for now it's going to be a nice but quiet affair. We do get to have a little party that way and it won't just slip by like nothing has happened. Lets cross our fingers for a sunny day so we can have a barbecue.

On another slant regarding her birthday. The day she arrived last year. The day my life changed forever. I have found a few things that relate to her birthday for fun. So here they are:

A special day: 30th  April                                                                                                                                                                 

On this day:

1958: Anne Frank's Diary was first published in English
1982: Kirsten Dunst, American actress, was born
1995:Bill Clinton became the first American President to visit Northern Ireland

Horoscope

Taurus is the second sign of the zodiac. It runs from 21 April to 21 May. It is an Earth sign, represented by the Bull

Characteristics of Taurus : Affectionate, Reliable, Ambitious, Practical & Patient

Birthstone (Modern)

Diamond

Birthstone (Mystical)

Opal

Birthstone (Ayurvedic)

Diamond

Birth Flower

Daisy

World Holidays

Emperor's Birthday in Japan

Saint's Day

Catherine of Siena - Patron Saint of Fire Prevention

So Issy shares the Emperor's birthday and has a Daisy for a flower. How cute!

Here is the link so you can have a look at your little ones special day trivia:
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/horoscopes/

Grass is evil stuff!

What a glorious day here in the Northern Hemisphere and in particular the North West region of the UK. The reason I mention it was so nice today was it allowed me to cut the grass and Isabella to move out into the garden for the first time since winter.

I had managed to cut the grass earlier while Isabella had been sleeping. You have never seen anything like it in your life. Lets just say my lawnmower is old but I'm reluctant to part with it as it's the one I got off my dad. It does make me sweat though as it's not the easiest beast to move around the garden.

The outcome of the hard work did have a pay off. Once Isabella was awake we ventured out onto my lovely lawn. I sat madam down and patted the grass showing her how lovely it was to be sat on grass and expected her just to crawl straight to me. Would Isabella touch the grass not on your nelly. She would put her hand clost to it and then pull away as if she'd been burned by a fire. How funny. I couldn't help laugh. She was so freaked out by this spikey evil green stuff. She would look at me and then at the grass.

Of course she'd never been out on grass before and I'd just plonked her on it expecting her to think it was ok. I thought well if I take your socks off you can feel it that way and that will be easier. To my astonishment as I did she lifted her legs in the air and just kept them there with her bottom on the grass. In a sort of Boat Yoga pose. What a sight to see. This little baby looking at me, holding her arms and legs up so as not to touch this evil green grass. It was so funny she wasn't upset just mystified by this stuff. I did eventually get her to touch it. I think we will try again tomorrow. We need a bit more work where grass is concerned.

You forget sometimes just how strange things must seem to a small baby when they come into contact with something new for the first time. I hadn't really given it a second thought but I suppose we have been in hibernation over the winter so why would Isabella have any idea about the feeling of grass. So many things to discover what a fabulous time we are going to have discovering them together.

Less is most definately more where options are concerned

Having a good life I believe is about making sure you have options for you and your family. That way if you don't like something you can change it. Even the worst position in the world can be changed if you look at things differently and see what can be done differently. Too many times do I hear people complain that they can't do this or they can't do that. Me included!

The blocker to change and creating options is our inability to be open to new ideas or alternatives. A while back when I was pregnant and it was probably the pregnancy that wasn't helping, I felt very trapped in a certain situation. I couldn't see how for the life of me I was going to get out of it and I couldn't stand it.

Getting trapped in one train of thought starts to rule your thought processes. You put up walls around this idea and hang onto it for dear life. What changed for me and gave me more clarity was firstly I stopped worrying. After all I was pregnant and I didn't want to harm my baby. I then stopped waiting and hoping for this one thing to happen that I felt would be the change I needed, we needed. Then I started to think and feel differently. I started to look at things that were not necessarily alternatives but completely different ideas. It was like someone had turned on a light in my mind, or opened the windows and knocked down the partition wall. That was the impetuous I needed. After that everything started to fall into place. It seemed like my luck had changed. Some people call this luck I now call it creating your own options. Forgive me for being a little fuzzy on the context but I am trying to explain the feeling and thought rather than the event.

So what I think you need to do to create more options is be able to let go of what you have now, the thoughts, ideas and even the material stuff to some extent. You also have to think more long term than short term. This was my real problem. What you have now isn't necessarily what you will have in the future, you might have more you might have less. When you don't care so much about the things then you give yourself many more options for the future. It truly is a case of less is more. Go knock down them walls!

Just another day

Today was just another day, but in a way it was a very different day. Not one that I will remember in the passing of time, but significant to me never the less. So, what happened today? Isabella's birthday, no that would be of great note. Sold my car, no again that will be forgotten in the future but I would love to have a four door, but alas that was not it. No, the note worthy thing that has happened to today is the selling of Isabella's moses basket. Sniff, wipe, blow.

Not usually a sentimental person for material things, for some reason the passing on of this one little thing has stuck in my throat and brought a tear to my eye. I suppose it will be like this with many little things that happen in our little ones lives. You often hear parents talk of small things as if they are great happenings and I like other people who previously did not have children, often wondered what on earth they were talking about. Today I realised. It is the passing of their little lives that mark the onward march of ours. Their growing up is our ever increasing getting older. Maybe this is the older woman in me coming out, maybe my perspective is way off slant. I imagine a seventeen year old doesn't feel quite the same, but I wouldn't want to bet. We want our children to grow up but at the same time, we want to keep them small and just for us!

So, off the moses basket went to a new home. The lady who picked it up said her daughter was being induced today. I shrinked a little at that comment my memory of being induced was rather a sore point, ouch! I hope the little one enjoys the basket as much as my little girl did, eventually, once she'd learnt to settle in it. Bye bye basket. Bye bye tiny baby!

Zumba Lumba and a lot of Numba

So in my fight to claim back my body and to some extent my mind as my soul has always been lost. Tonight is the night that I whisk myself off to Zumba for the very first time. It's one of those dance craze exercise things that has swept the nation. If you happen to not know what I'm talking about, where the heck have you been! I am well and truly jumping on the band waggon, hitchin' my skirts up and off we go, arriba arriba, oh sorry wrong country. I said I wouldn't do it, but I can't help myself my feet just want to dance and this at my age is the closest thing you get, my friends even say it's the closest thing to clubbing, one did say that's Body Jam, but as I told her, my body won't jam anymore.

I am writing this now because I don't think I will be able to type afterwards, I suspect even my fingertips are going to hurt. I definately know my back, legs and pardon me but my arse (gluteous maximus) is definitely going to have some sort of pain or even numbness. I will even go as far as to say that I am very very scared. This may sound a little melodramatic but I have since my back operation for a slipped disc some two years ago not as yet done anything remotely cardiovascular. I took up Yoga for a while does that count?

So my venture into the unknown will begin this evening with the reclaiming of a body not sure who's as mine will probably be losing a lot of water, mainly in the form of sweat. I do hope I can walk tomorrow; bending will probably not be an option. Adieu my friends until the morrow.

Snow Globes - what would be in yours?

In today's fast paced world the hustle and bustle is always with us. We move onto the next great thing the next new adventure, always looking what's around the next bend. We have to have something to look forward to and we can't wait for this or that.

Well not today, not for my little family, today we went for a walk to Tatton Park. It is Mothers Day after all. Our first Mothers day as a family and the day has just been the most wonderful day. I decided as my day that we would go to Tatton Park and have a walk. Sounds a little dull and yes to some it probably would be but to me it was bliss.

The three of us walked out into the middle of the park and then just sat on a small bench and looked out over one of the lakes. It was such a glorious day only slightly windy, just enough to keep you buttoned up but sunny enough to make you squint. We didn't say anything to one another we just sat and Isabella who is normally so wiggly and giggly seemed quite content to sit in between us. I could feel my bones relaxing under the bright Spring sun. Serenity was with us all and it felt good. I felt a huge surge of pride that I finally had my own little family. A smile spread across my face.

The moment was so perfect I just wanted to capture it in one of those little snow globes, yes I know it wasn't snowing so it would just be a glass globe, but you get the meaning. I could then take it home with me and keep this moment forever, then take it out and look at it when I needed a boost or wanted to be reminded of my perfect day. The day will be with me a long time it was such a perfect day. What would you capture in a snow globe if you could?

The simplest things

It's a fact, babies are creatures that can make you laugh and make you cry, probably just as quickly as they can themselves. You get such a thrill from the little things they do everyday. It is wonderful to be around them most of the time, but boy aren't you glad when they have that sleep.

One of my personal favourites and I know if you ask Isabella she will agree, is me lying flat on the floor on my back. She comes close up to my face and loves to stand there, usually slapping it. This makes Isabella squeal with joy every time. Don't need to do anything else, just lie there and her little face lights up with such joy and she has such a squealing giggling fit. If I'm feeling down which as you have guessed by now can be quite a bit, all I do is lie on the floor and she makes me laugh, simples.

I did, however, say that babies can make you laugh and cry just as quickly. One of the rather shall we put it interesting habits that is forming, is her lack of patience when food is being prepared for her. She will be playing happily then all of a sudden it's like someone flipped a switch. She races into the kitchen on all fours and then stands holding onto the drawer below where I am making her food, near the microwave if I'm honest. She will stand there holding on and just screams and cries. Of course right under your feet getting in the way to slow things up. Then once I sit her down to eat she has about five mouth fulls of food and then starts to shake her head in a clear NO fashion. She has obviously decided at that point that she no longer requires this food anymore. 'What's next Mummy, take it away', I can hear her saying in her head.

I at these more interesting times must hang onto the joy we had five minutes earlier when I was prostrate on the floor with madam lording it over me. Then simply laugh.

Melancholic

Think the teething is getting to me a little bit, lack of sleep an all that. So I apologise first, this is a little self indulgent today. However, the title in itself does make me laugh as it reminds me of the food program by Sophie Dahl, all she kept saying was melancholic, melancholic, so overused by the end of it, rather than feel down you were laughing out loud. Here's the link to the lovely Miss Dahls program if you care to have a laugh:

http://sophiedahl.com/food/bbc-delicious-miss-dahl

So, where is this taking us. Well back to a poem I wrote a long time ago called 'Passing Time' it was written with my mother in mind, but I feel it applies to myself a little more today:

Passing Time
I sit upon a softened plane
Amongst the gentle drops of rain
They slip and slide from dewy depths
From far beneath the stone it sweats

Away and fly, to brighter climes
Don't melt and fade unlike old times
Painfull cracks and crumbling walls
Does appear upon us all

A little farther, so far and wide
Within my heart the truth does hide
So, listen hard and you might hear
The falling of yet another tear
Another day turns to a year
Is it still true that i'm still here.

You know I think I have the answer it must be PMT. Oh well that's ok at least I know why i'm suffering from the blues. Watch out Steve (my partner) it's going to be a bumpy ride for a few days.

Sabotage. How do you do it?

Issy's head hits the mattress my brain goes into overload, ok what needs doing first. I have a small window of opportunity before she wakes up. Washing, cleaning, ironing, rush rush rush... Of course last on the list is sit down and have a cuppa. This, however, is the one you normally don't manage.

The reason being in one of your many other tasks you end up banging something or dropping something usually quite heavy and usually in the kitchen. Yes, you have just managed to sabotage any sit down you might have had in trying to do all your jobs in half an hour. I bet we all do it?

Waking the little one is one of my passtimes and no matter how often I think right i'm going to be careful I just can't help myself. I always do it. See you get clumsy from lack of sleep a well known condition in the trade called 'Baby Brain'.

Learning to sit down and not do anything is an art form and one I have yet to master. It was the same thing when she was a tiny baby. All I would hear people say is, 'you sleep when she sleeps'. Yeah 'cos someone else is going to rush in clean and tidy my house for me and make dinner. Not to mention how much the washing pile has grown since our little one has arrived. How many times do you hear yourself say, 'I have never done so much washing in my life?' So, sitting down or sleeping most of the time is not an option.

The other thing you have to master is getting them off to sleep in the first place. It's not so bad when they're a baby, they pretty much stay where you put them and do have regular sleeps. When they're a bit older like Issy say around 10 months, getting them to have a sleep is like trying to coax a scared kitten out of a tree. Furs up and they're hanging on for dear life. They also disagree with lying down in the cot, why lie down when you can stand. Also, they just don't want to miss anything or at least I know my nosey little girl doesn't. This small child during the day needs full on activity to tire her out or it's a no go.

Sleeping is a difficult thing to get right. Once you get that, I do think things start to feel like they are getting better. I certainly do or at least hope so. Until then i'm sure I will keep sabotaging myself. How about you?

Gravy anyone?

Feeding a child is a really tricky thing. Well I am finding at least. You never know how much they want. Are you giving them enough. Are they getting the right nutrients. That's just the start. Then you have to make sure you're giving them a wide range of tastes and textures. I could go on but won't, all I can say is it's a minefield.

At the moment madam is rejecting all home made produce. While at Nanny and Grandads we'd started to eat shepherds pie, chicken and rice and all manner of grown up meals. Of course smashed down into tiny tiny little pieces. We were doing smashing!  Nanny and Grandad said it was the Sainsbury's gravy that did the trick. (Low salt of course!)

Now back at home, I bought mince, chicken, fish and lots of vegetables and we started out great. Last week we were eating like a good un. This week we are mostly eating, not a lot. I am blaming the teeth. I have to blame something. It really does make you want to cry. For a number of reasons. Firstly my poor little baby isn't eating that much again. Secondly, I'm cooking this damn food and no one is eating it. Thirdly, is Grandads cooking better than mine. Well, don't answer that one I think we know the answer.

I have decided to revert back to the old tried and tested beef stew. We can eat it, madam can eat it. I know for definite she loves this. If this fails. I'm off to Sainsbury's to get the gravy.

On yer bike...

It's one of those momentous occasions today. I am going to get my bike out. To most people this of course is not momentous, but to me it is a day to be marked on the calendar. The reason behind this, well, my bike was a birthday present from my partner and a wonderful present at that. However, I've only managed to use it a couple of times since it's purchase. I got the bike Christmas time 2010 for my Birthday and using a bike in Winter isn't that easy.

Yes, it is my birthday at Christmas, the 27th so not really ever celebrated my birthday much as an adult as everyone is knackered by that time. Except of course my 40th had a great party for that one I celebrated it in November, I too like the Queen have an official birthday!

The other reason the bike hasn't been used much is that year I fell pregnant with Isabella and cycling can be a little difficult with a bump! It was definately not on the cards after that. Then came the new arrival. Then came the getting used to being a mum and not really focusing on being me.

Now I have started to think about getting fit again. The return to work is partly promting this and that I have eaten enough sweet things to sink a battle ship since Issy was born. I can definately say the bulge is winning the battle. It is time to fight back. I say be gone with you bulge on yer bike!

Dead arms and life in your hands!

When my partner and I first got our little bundle of joy home, I remember our first week. I don't know how we got through it, it was such a sleepless time, of course not for Isabella, but for us her parents. All she wanted to do was eat, sleep, carry out the odd bit of pooping and of course have cuddles. Us being new parents and being unsure of what on earth to do for this little being we would go round in circles trying to decipher which one of the four things would please her. The mid wives would say to you, oh yes you'll start to know each cry and what it means. Take it from me, I still go round in circles now trying to decipher what the crying means.

I remember our very first night, we put the moses basket next to the bed and lay our beloved little girl in it, would she settle, not on your life. We tried everything. Put a drop of milk on some old top of mine and laid her on that. Rocked her in our arms. Fed her over and over again. No, she wasn't having any of it. The only thing that settled her eventually was my partner lying face down on the bed with his hand draped in the basket. My poor partner had to sleep like that all night. I think he and his arm went so numb that it didn't matter to him in the end and he must have drifted off to sleep, dead arm an all.

I was breast feeding at the begining and that very first night I think she wanted feeding every half hour. Never having done anything like that before I really thought this was how it was going to be forever and I felt sick at that point. It was so intense and so demanding physically and emotionally that first night home. In the morning the mid wife arrived and when I opened the door she must have seen the look of pure terror on my face. On her way out. She said, "Shall I come back tomorrow".
I just said "Yes". There was no doubt we needed help, I needed help.

We had made it through the first night in our house with this little being and boy did we know she had arrived. I think half way through the first week I was still suffering quite badly with the breastfeeding. I remember sitting on the bed one night while she was feeding and just crying with the pain. It really was that bad. If my partner hadn't been such a great strength to me I do think I would have given up. After 10 days it started to get better. With the help from some cream, some cabbage and some strong will power, I managed to continue. Here is the link to the review I wrote on Amazon regarding Lansinoh Nipple Cream, it was a life saver.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3RIO67V8Y303B/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt#R3RIO67V8Y303B

The other intense memory I have of that first week was me sitting on my bed feeding Isabella and just holding her and crying again, why? Because I had such an overwhelming feeling of love for this small thing that I had never experienced before. Yes I loved my parents and of course I love my partner, but this was and is far beyond any of that. She was so fragile in my arms, the fragility of her and the raw emotion that she stared in me was more than I could bare. That feeling is always with me now, but that night it was right there on the surface and it felt amazing and terifying all at the same time. What a responsibility. Someone elses life in your hands, but how wonderful.

Well as you can see we made it through the first week together and look forward to many, many more.

Time Marches on...

It's a reasonable day, bright, not raining and the birds are chirping merrily in the background, so why am I so anxious today? Sitting here at my computer I am contemplating, what next for us? I feel lots of things are coming to an end and this is making me think more and more about the future, our future.

One of the ends is Baby Sensory. Yes it has finally come, we have to move on I think. We've had a good run and enjoyed every minute I can safely say. So, what next? What does the baby world hold in store for us now.

Well we're going to have a look at this thing called BabyGym, looks interesting and time is Marching on so we need to join in quickly. Issy will be coming up to 11 months old at the end of March and we will be fast approaching her 1st Birthday. What a momentous occasion!

For some reason I feel a little trepidation as well as joy at this point as Issy's Birthday also signals the impending approach of the dreaded return to work. Eek! Lots of mixed feelings about that of course. I know I am not alone with this, every parent has this ritual of anxiety, guilt and eventual release to go through. It just seemes to come so quickly. It really is true they grow up so fast.

So, the question is how to slow time down? The answer again is simple, as the Gallager brothers said, 'Be here now'. Stay in the moment and don't do what i am doing, don't dwell too much on the past or future, enjoy the present. That is what we shall do! I can't promise we won't slip a little however, the future sometimes does have a way of creeping up on you. It's you, not the future that does it, but you just can't help thinking about it.

What would you do just for the love of it?

It's funny how everything seems to be connected. We are connected to everything in a way, through touch, sound and sight; if we interact with something we have become connected with it. That's the way our world works, it really is that simple when you think about it, or at least that's how I see it. And today I have mostly been thinking about my world and what is going to happen to it in the future.

What brought this on I hear you ask? Well a visit to my brother with Isabella. We spent this afternoon or at least some of it at Bolton FM visiting my brother. The thing is he was working, but not at his what you would call a proper job, it is a second job, one he doesn't get paid for. Yes voluntary work. What he does is to ensure the behind the scenes IT technical stuff doesn't fail, to put it in layman's terms, and by jolly that's the only way I can put it. He loves radio and all that goes along with it he always has so he is willing to spend all day today working for nothing and probably going home quite late. That is dedication for you. Go figure.

This got me to thinking. What would I do and not get paid because I love it so much? A couple of answers did pop into my head, which I believe is the correct way to approach this, it's gotta come from the heart. Looking after Isabella, but that goes without saying, and no surprise in a way Gardening. I have often thought about giving some time in a voluntary capacity to clearing some land, planting trees or the best would be to work for a walled garden society, if they exist. I even planned on going on an English Heritage holiday once, but that was when I was single and it had ulterior motives as well. A girl has to try you know and when you're single sometimes the most obscure places are where you find the best men. Anyway, I digress of course.

I think in answering these questions it will help me in the future and I now believe that I am connected to the outcome as I have set this one in motion but only time will tell.

The question is what would you do just for the love of it?

Her we are at Bolton FM.

Here's the link to Bolton FM, the radio station my brother is so proud of: http://www.boltonfm.com/

The Wanderers Return

No I'm not talking about football but if you ask, yes I am a Bolton Wanderers fan for my sins, don't think I'll put Isabella through that, Tottenham for her as Daddy supports them, sorry Bolton.

I'm talking about our return from Darn Souf. We extended our visit to the Grandparents as it was so wonderful to be with them. They are after all Issy's only Grandparents now so we have to make the most of them and I can safely say we put them through their paces, and they were brilliant. Old hands you see at this, so another little one to look after is a piece of cake.

On my way there we sped along the roads at the speed of light, well as fast as my little car would travel safely, precious cargo on board an all that. Made it to Ramsgate in fabulous time and had a wonderful welcome when we arrived. Isabella being asleep most of the time, except when mummy was having a rant at middle lane drivers. Note to mummy must remember to have road rage quietly from now on.

So, we spent a wonderful eight days with Nanny and Grandad, Isabella's cousins and Aunt. It really does make a difference having family around. You should have seen Isabella's face in the mornings when Nanny and Grandad would appear, her little face would beam and give them her special little scrunchy face. It really did make my heart sing to see.

Well the eight days went with a blink of the eye so we set off home scrunchy face and me. Nanny and Grandad waved us off. I held onto the tears but as I went along the harbour front to say our last goodbyes to the boats that's when they came. It really is hard saying goodbye, but it's only for a little while as we'll see them again in April which isn't so far away. I give thanks everyday that they are here for Isabella.

So, it's just me and scrunchy face again during the week but we're going to enjoy our time and make sure we do as much as we can before I go back to work. Watch out, the wanderers will be off on their travels again before you know it.

Travelling again - Off Darn Souf

Today Isabella and I are off on our travels again. We've been to quite a number of places now in her short time with us. South of France by car when she was only 5 months old. London at around 7 months of course by car and then Dublin on a plane only this month. Strangely enough short plane journeys up to now have been the most interesting and demanding. You can almost feel the tension from the other passengers around you as they lock onto a tiny baby. They were of course wrong she was pretty much good as gold apart from the landings, her ears must have started popping and she wouldn't take anymore milk as she'd only had some half an hour before for the take offs, so we had a bit of crying. That was the worst of it and it only lasted a few minutes. The passengers came off pretty unscathed or at least so I thought.

This time we are taking a wee 5 hour trip to Kent. Just me and Isabella as this is where Nanny and Grandad live and her cousins. As usual we will leave around 6pm as this is Isabella's bed time and travelling with a baby is always better if you can do it in their sleeping time, less stress all round. This of course is not always possible. We've just got to load the car up later with all the paraphernalia that a baby needs and trust me it's a lot. Then we're off.

So, no blogging for a few days as we get some well earned rest and relaxation in the beautiful land of Kent. I will be taking my camera so expect a few photos when I get back. Until then folks aurevoir.

Lethargy is it just me...

I have to say I won't be sad to see the end of February. It has been one of those months were everyone has had the blues, and everyone has been ill, and I've probably topped the blues chart this month.

I went to a social gathering last night with a group of ladies that I met at anti-natal yoga and the feeling amongst the group was that they had all felt rather tired, lethargic and unwell for the most of February. Little ones having anything and everything that was going around and the parents contracting equally horrible illnesses. It's nearly everyone you speak to. This seems unusual? Or is it just a parent thing that i've not been party to before?

I feel our inclement weather here up in the North of England does not help us in any way. We suffer more than most the gloom of winter. Topped with I suppose most of the people I know suffering from some sort of sleep deprivation in one way or another, which will inevitably lower your immune system and they do say, can lead to depression. This is a recipe for virus overload and just a general feeling of being down. I believe the syndrome has an appropriately named title - Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. How appropriate, as this is how I and many others have been feeling for quite some time now.

So, as the nights start to lighten and the end of February draws near, I really do hope we will all turn a corner and start to feel a lot more positive and well. I know I would love to. So, hurrah to March and Spring I can't wait. Only a few weeks until the 20th for the Vernal Equinox. My daffodils are already starting to poke their noses up things are already looking brighter.

Baby Sensory Bouncer

We've been going to baby sensory since Issy was around 3 months old. From the very beginning she loved it. Okay to begin with she just lay there and stared at the ceiling but i'm sure she was listening. All the lights, sounds, smells, experiences and the lady that runs it, Tina, makes it just that little bit more special for the babies. Isabella as she has grown has certainly benefited from it, she now sits right in front of Tina for the starting song and jumps up and down, even though she's not quite 10 months and you would think jumping would be out of her reach yet, trust me it isn't when she's there. It's such a wonderful thing to see this little baby bouncing along to the music, you can't help but smile and so does everyone else, it really does make you laugh.

Today we had water as the theme, this is how it works you see, there's a theme to each week. I sometimes try and take some of this stuff home to do, but as you can imagine it just isn't the same. Issy sitting by the couch in the front room, me blowing a few bubbles at her, isn't quite the underwater experience we had at the class, still she doesn't seem to mind and I think I'm doing something amazing for her.

I fear we will have to stop going soon Issy really is getting too big for the class, in that I mean the attention span not her pant size. She is starting to be more interested in the baby on the floor next to her or the toy behind us than Tina and the activities which have been put on for her sole enjoyment. It was easy when she wasn't a crawler but you do spend most of your time, scurrying across the floor after a bottom for most of the time. This would be okay if I was a teenager but mum ain't no spring chicken and the springs in the back ain't what they used to be.

So, we continue on for some time yet with this the highlight of the week. It really is something that makes you feel good about yourself as a mum and that you are doing a positive thing for your child. I would thoroughly recommend this to anyone who has a small baby. It really brings them out of their shells.

I haven't been asked to write this by the way this is purely my point of view and Isabella's of course :)

Here's the link if you want to check it out:
http://www.babysensory.com/en/ClassDetails.aspx?id=35

It's tough without the Grandparents

My parents sadly are no longer with us both having died of cancer. My mother about 5 years ago and my father about 3 years ago. I think they're passing really made me reassess life and what it was all about. This brought about my partner and I discussing trying for a baby. Which we did and the result was our beautiful baby Isabella.

This is how life is. Sometimes we need something to spark a change in us. At one time I would never have contemplated a baby, it just wasn't for me too much to do. I wanted to go to University, then I wanted to taste living in London and then Brighton. I'd been travelling round the world. All these things took up time and these were things I felt like I needed to do. So time marched on.

It brings me to the present and as time marched on so did the health issues with my parents. So much so that now I have a wonderful child to show them, but show them I cannot. Some days I feel my father is here with me as Isabella stares up at his paintings on the wall. I feel she senses him near at least. My mother I'm not so sure about. Maybe I try not to think about her so much as this hurts too much. She wanted grandchildren so much. I remember one night when they'd been out she said to me " where did we go wrong" and she was talking about children. That made me feel so sad.

Well they have finally got one and I know they would think she was the most amazing thing on the planet. I know I do.

So, I am trying to make sure my partners parents are involved, even though they are such a long way away, down south. I feel it is important for Isabella to have at least one set of her Grandparents involved in her life. Even though it is at a distance.

The lack of family suport does make it more tough on me and my partner. We don't have that easy hand off to Grandparents like younger families do. The support of anyone other than us just doesn't exist. This is the tough part, you have to rely on one another so much. It does make you stronger as a couple, but it can be very hard at times.

So, think very carefully if you put off having children until later. It does have it's plus points, like having more money and being more level headed, and of course ready, but you do have a few things missing sometimes and they are quite important.

Viruses do they ever go away

Just a quick one today or at least by my standards.

It must have been at least 2 weeks since Isabella got a virus, sore throat cough thing. Since then we've been to Dublin and back, but the Virus has stayed with us. I hear you say you probably shouldn't have gone to Dublin, but sometimes you can wait for a baby to be perfectly well and that just never happens so off we went. At the mid point stage she was seeming to get better so thought it was the tail end of it.

Isabella got the virus off my partner I think, or another baby you just never know how these things get spread. That's another thing, you can't stop going out either to clubs and friends, unless they've got something like the measles or chicken pox, because again you would never go out and that would just drive you potty. So, around the germs go like a merry go round.

Well the crux of it all is that we have been to the doctors a couple of times and finally got prescribed antibiotics because it just wasn't shifting and poor little Isabella hadn't eaten properly on and off for 2 weeks. We're coming to the end of the antibiotics and I think she if finally feeling better. Still a little off colour but good enough for us to finally venture out again. So we're off out this afternoon. Yippee. You can't imagine how good that feels.

Speak again soon and try not to worry too much if your little one catches something, it is inevitable and they do get over these things. As everyone tells me it just takes time.

New Beginings

Hi everyone, this is my very first blog. I'm starting this as a memory to myself as to what goes on in my life and to give others a chance to see an older womans point of view on motherhood. I'm sure it's not that different to other peoples experiences but you never know.

I suppose the first thing to say is I'm now 42 and set out on my journey with Isabella my now 9 and a half month old I suppose at the age of 40. Here I am didn't know I was preganant in this picture but I should have as I've never had bossoms that big in my life before.

I think it might be my age but I don't really remember having any bad times when I was pregnant just not so good times. These were the not eating too well at the begining, but not having morning sickness, just not eating that much, which was a little worrying as I was carrying a child. Everyone told me not to worry that towards the end of the pregnancy I would start to pile on the pounds. Well I never did which was wonderful but did gain enough weight to keep me happy my child was safe.

Isabella by the way was born 6lb 6ounces at 1.11am on a Sunday morning. Again not much to write home about with the pregnancy except I never got to have any maternity leave prior to the birth as my waters broke the day before I was due to finish, Isabella came 2 weeks earlier than expected. My waters broke on the Thursday night just after I got home from work.

As usual I was doing a bit too much, moving some books out of the now nursery into another room but think I took a couple too many at once, I'm always doing too much. Anyway lets just say I'd been to the toilet not seconds before, sorry to be so crewd but this is about child birth and i'm sure you all watch one born every minute, everyone does seem to these days except me. Anyway, so I'd just been for a wee then went back into one of the bedrooms and thought oh that's a bit strange I think I've just had a wee. Well not having gone through any of this before I just carried on for a few minutes putting it out of my mind. It didn't seem that much after all and I thought if your're waters broke it was like a waterfall, or so that's what people said. So I carried on for at least another 10 minutes before it finally dawned on me that possibly my waters had broke.

Panic then set in a little bit, as I was on my own. The thought of oh no what if she comes when i'm on my own rushed through my head at this point along with another hundred oh no's. Well they needn't as it was Isabella didn't make her way into the world until another 2 days later. Fortunately my partner arrived home upon me saying I think my waters have broke. He then went into practical mode, right phone the midwife, so I did, and we discovered yes they had and at that point both of us started to try and stay calm but paniced a little at the same time. I hadn't even put my overnight bag together, I had bought everything but just didn't have it together. So I grabbed a few things and my partner grabbed a few more and off we went to the hospital. Me thinking they'd check me over and send me home. That of course didn't happen.

I spent the next day wondering what was going on. Contractions would start then they would stop. So on the Saturday morning they said they were going to induce me and induce me they did. We started at about 6pm that night and it only took until 1.11am on the Sunday morning for Isabella to appear. She was so beautiful, they had to do it quick as my blood pressure had dropped and they didn't want to take any chances so think it was probably a little worse than a slower delivery would have been but at least it was over quickly. Can't be doing with all that pallaver. Would like to say I only did it with gas and air but i'm afraid the pain was far too much for me to stand and someone who is usually so strong decided not to be a hero and just take some help for a change. So glad I did. Not everyones choice as I had paracetamol and then the Demerol.

The gas and air initially made me giddy felt like I was at a party, thought it was going to be a breeze, but boy was I wrong. I'd been to Antenatal Yoga before hand and had all the breathing techniques which I used but still I couldn't cope. The Midwife Denise had turned up the inducing juice so was bringing the contractions on hard and strong to get this over for me, but the result was that it was too much for me to bare. My partner was amazing did everything I asked and more. Was there every bounce on the birthing ball to help. Stroked my hair which was wonderful, then it wasn't so he stopped. You can never make your mind up when you're giving birth, one minute something is helping the next it is the most annoying thing on the planet. You just don't know what to do with yourself.

We had a tiny bit of trouble with madam before she finally decided she was going to put an appearance in. She'd turned as she was making her way out and had ended up back to back with me which I can assure you is not something you want. This could have ended up in an emergency C section but for the fantastic Midwife who managed to turn her for me while she was still inside.

So finally the moment came Isabella was poking her head out and the Midwife said I was allowed to push. Up to that point I'd had to hold back from pushing so as to not hurt Isabella but the contractions where so strong at this point it was so hard not to push. Finally, finally I was allowed to push, you can't imagine what a relief that was, even though it hurt and of course I can't describe how it hurt,. The little baby slipped her way out and cried like a good one. Crawled up to my breast and started suckling. Yes that was the happiest moment of my life and here she is my wonderful little girl.