The saying I believe is 'All good things come to an end'. As with most mothers maternity leave is a thing I look back on fondly but from a distance. The time came for me to finally give in and stop taking holidays and go back to work. Today was a notable day in the diary, I'd been back to work long enough to have to change my password. This signifies I've been back a month. It feels like longer it's crazy how easy it is to feel like you never left, but still uneasy in a world of not knowing what's going on around you. It feels a bit like swimming in a sea of jelly beans I keep sinking to the bottom and they keep piling up on top of me. Good job I like jelly beans. I can eat my way to the surface.
What makes it even harder at times is that I chose to go back full time, with a bit of a compression. The decision was a very hard one but one I took at the time. The positive side to this is that I do feel like a person again and when I'm at work I even appear to have a brain, don't get me wrong I love being a mum but you do lose your faculties, especially in the beginning with all that sleep deprivation. The down side of the coin is that I hand my little girl over to other people and they have fun with her all day. Saying it like that makes it slightly easier and worse all at the same time.
The other issue you have as a working mum, is that you see all the other mum's that are spending time with their little ones, social networks have a lot to answer for, the jealousy is so great it sometimes overwhelms you. Then you feel guilty again for being a bad person. However, a wise lady told me, 'Never measure yourself by someone else and what they, have or do as we all have different needs and reasons for doing things and everyone feels guilty for something especially when they have a little one'. That really helped. NOT. Trying to be Zen like on this topic is near impossible.
So on I plod, happy that I have work in these difficult times but just slightly unhappy it is a little too much and even slightly unhappier that it is at price of not being with my daughter. She grows and changes every day, she is of course such a joy. Again I look to the future, now where is that Crystal Ball. Ah yes of course the Toy Box.
